Matt Geiger – Seven Foot One Sixers center. We didn’t know they stacked she-ite that high. The guy signs an $8 million dollar a year contract and proceeds to suck and barely play, but he is excellent chasing white chicks all hours of the evening. Spends his off-season chasing more white chicks, so he comes in out of shape and gets hurt again. How can you be over 7 feet tall and grab 2 rebounds in a game? Now that Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo is a Sixer; Geiger is REALLY useless. We have also seen his dad at clubs, and this guy is as “creepy” as they come too. Showed his true worth as he cowered like a coward in the back of the dressing room in the 2001 playoffs. Meanwhile, the whole team played including Erik Snow with a broken foot. But we heard he chased white chicks later in the evening.
J. Penacolli’s Anus - for allegedly swallowing small rodents. Well he did kind of disappear after that, and everyone knows someone that was, “in the ER that night.” According to numerous urban legend sites this is NOT true. Who knows? Who cares? Anyway kids, the moral of the story is DON’T stick small rodents in your ANUS. Or, anyone else’s for that matter.
Craig "uh" Weber - (weatherman) Not sure which station he is on now. But, every time we see him he has a new hairpiece. This is a typical sentence as he reads the weather, "And uh, tomorrow it might uh rain uh, so wear uh a raincoat uh." Plus he has the on air personality of a high school algebra teacher.
Erik + Carl Lindros – Erik: “Waaaaaaaaah! I don’t want to play for my junior team.” Carl: “OK Baby Erik you don’t have to.” Erik: “Waaaaaaaaah! I don’t want to play for Quebec.” Carl: “OK Baby Erik you don’t have to.” Erik: “Waaaaaaaaah! I don’t want to play for the Flyers, trade me to 1 team.” Carl: “OK Baby Erik you don’t have to, you will ALWAYS get what you want." Countless other demands by this shady ass character and his Daddy - we mean 'agent'...
Steve Levy – One of our loyal readers sent in this gem via e-mail. So, without further ado here is, “Mary 2 Names” with her feelings on Mr. Levy:
“I think that you are missing the biggest a--hole of all...Steve Levy. God, I loathe him. Not only is he a complete d-bag on the air every day trying to make jokes and improvise...(which he should definitely stay away from because he is anything but funny). I actually saw him at Sonoma in Manayunk last year with a 20 year-old and an entourage of some sort. Seriously, this guy is well into his 50's. Talk about pompous ass. YOU READ OFF OF A TELEPROMPTER FOR A LIVING. A TRAINED MONKEY COULD DO YOUR JOB!!!
It gets worse he wears hair-spray. I swear the 'crap' is feathered. This is the part that gave me hives...He was wearing a gray turtleneck, a gray sport jacket, black "trousers" and cowboy boots. It was like a sick cross between Miami Vice and Hee Haw. One final note: My friend, “Sue” and I have hated Steve for over a decade. About 5 years ago we were watching the news and there was a headline about a Steve Levy stalker. They cut to this psycho guy in handcuffs dazing into the camera...He said: 'I love Steve Levy in Paris in the Springtime.' I kid you not; it was one of the happiest moments of my life.”
Samuel Feldman - (the bread squeezer) – The reigning bully of baked breads. Imagine going to the market for a loaf of bread and this a-hole has manhandled, fingered, and molested all the loaves.
John Bolaris / Hurricane Schwartz – Here we have an interesting contrast of two nerds. Obviously, Hurricane Schwartz is more of the “classic nerd.” The chicken-like arms, the unstylish specs, and the disheveled hair. Meanwhile, Bolaris is the 5 foot 3 inch never got any arse in high school, and got his arse kicked there too; so he tries to make up it for it now as a pretty boy. Enough with Doppler Weather Watcher or whatever it is called; maybe your ratings would improve if you had a cloud with smiley face.
Chris Wheeler – Teamed with perhaps the greatest play by play man in the history of baseball (Harry Kalas) the over-analytical “Wheels” is truly the last thing you want to hear as you suffer through another dismal Phillies' season. The only adult male in Philadelphia that is physically intimidated by Howard Eskin. The crotchety “Wheels” did NOT attend the press conference for Phillie legend Larry Bowa when he was named team manager presumably because of “Wheels” personal issues with Bowa. Also, we would be remiss if we didn’t ask you, ‘What the hell is that thing on your head?’ We MISS YOU Whitey!
Tony Danza – Thankfully, not a true Philadelphian. But, he did make a scene at Gino’s in South Philadelphia, and was part owner of that ridiculous roller hockey club. And, of course, he makes every list.
Mary Mason – Partisan talk show host that 13 people listen to in the Delaware Valley. Think of Al Sharpton with smaller breasts, a thinner mustache, and no penis, and along comes Mary.
MR. Snyder – Now we have to give the insolent owner of the Flyers his due for getting a stadium built without fleecing the taxpayers. However, he really does demand everyone call him, MR. Snyder. It’s True, It’s True. Even the multi-million dollar players must call him that – what a joke. The whole Erik Lindros thing has been grossly mishandled and MR. Arrogant lets everything go. He looks like Mr. Burns from, "The Simpsons” and his wife is often mistaken for his granddaughter. Acted like a maniacal lunatic defending the ill-fated and much maligned hiring of Johny Davis as Sixers coach to Glen Macnow of WIP. Finally, MR. Affected officially made the list when he thought HE was not getting enough credit for the Sixers success and was messing with our boy Pat Croce. And no one, and TCG means no one, messes with Croce.
Larry Mendte – We strongly believe this guy is part rat. We are still not sure if rat-boy understands he is an anchor in the country’s fifth largest market. Instead of probing into issues such as mayoral misconduct and what-not, he is busy with exclusives like “cookie-gate.” Larry, this isn’t “Access Hollywood” your old show or a 2nd rate boon town somewhere in Ohio or wherever the hell you came from. Shape up or ship out, skunk.
Steven A. Smith – Basketball writer for the Philadelphia Inquirer, the most opinionated beat writer in the history of journalism. The way this guy hollers and carries on you think he was running for elected office, not reporting on guys dribbling a basketball. Shut up! Sit down!
Gary Papa - The Channel 6 sports anchor. This guy is like 4 and a half feet and thinks he is too good for everyone. He has been seen closing his eyes and massaging his throat before he goes on air at locations including the Vet. He, along with MR. Snyder are the most conceited individuals in Philadelphia. There have been numerous broadcast reports on several radio stations that Papa is always unfriendly and pompous. Cackling uncontrollably like a wild hyena after the slightest of jokes from Gardner is really, really, old.
*John Street - Come to Philadelphia, our Mayor speaks Ebonics! That is one of the new slogans the city is working on. We would like to thank all Philadelphians for electing a man that has no grasp of the English language, declared bankruptcy, and physically attacked another city councilmen. Dubbed "The IOU Mayor" because he owes millions of dollars of 'favors' to countless investors for his half assed victory. Everything this guy does he ruins (teacher’s contract and stadium issue – for example) and then he goes back to the original plan and thinks he is a genius.
Who didn’t make the list – Nobody from 610-WIP or Stu Bykofsky of the Philadelphia Daily news made the list because we are in the process of trying to get free plugs.
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